The Gingerbread Man
by Vilinye
Summary: While I'm waiting for The Doctor, the Widow, and the Wardrobe, I thought I'd post my own Christmas Special. Enjoy!


"Clyde and Luke, you have your mobiles. We'll meet back here in three hours, but call if anything goes wrong."

"Wrong like Slitheen invading the mall, or a twenty-person queue at the checkout?" Clyde smirked.

"I keep telling you, not everything is alien." Rani scolded.

Clyde shrugged. "I guess you're right. Just the dangerous things. Come on, Luke."

Sarah Jane winced as the loudspeakers blasted Wizzard at top volume. As the boys disappeared into the crowd, she turned to Rani. "Where should we go first?"

"I was thinking about getting some coloured pencils for Clyde. I think there's an art supply place a few blocks down."

Sarah Jane adjusted her jacket. "A bit cold out, don't you think?"

Rani's reply was cut off by a half-muffled screech. "On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, a partridge in a pear tree," A figure in a padded brown costume shuffled up to them. "Greetings from Tasan Selev."

"What are you saying?" Rani cupped her hands around her ear. "I can't understand what you're saying."

The person fumbled with a bright plaid pouch slung over his shoulder and handed Rani an advert.

"Free to all guests, come and visit Taan Selev, the world's only life-size gingerbread village." Rani read. "See our display cottage with costumed actors. Or stop by Santa's workshop and make a gingerbread house for free and help break another Guinness record."

The actor waved and turned away, already singing another verse.

"Well, we have the time. Why don't we go and check it out?"

"No thanks, he reminds me of a clown. And clowns have never been good, in my experience."

"Come on, just try it. I'll take a picture, so you can prove to Luke that you do have some skill in the kitchen."

"How many times has Luke called you about my cooking?" Sarah Jane sighed. "I can face Slitheen, build a computer and door-stop with the best of them, but the kitchen is one battlefield I refuse to enter."

Rani glanced further down the flyer. "Ah, but see—it's all baked for us. All we'd have to do is put it together and decorate."

"Well, I suppose we could take a look, but I'm not promising anything."

* * *

><p>"What do you think Rani would like?" Clyde flipped through a rack of CDs.<p>

"Why are you asking me?"

"Well, you're at Uni, you must have noticed what the girls like."

Luke shook his head. "I was going to ask you what to buy for Mum."

"We're sunk. I can defeat men in black and defeat a Slitheen with vinegar, but Christmas shopping is beyond me." Clyde pulled out his wallet. "At least I know what my Mum wants. She keeps dropping hints about some new kitchen towels." Something slipped onto the floor.

Luke bent over and picked it up. "It's Mum's scanner watch. Clyde, what are you doing with this?"

"It nearly fell down the drain when we were cleaning up the other day. I just picked it up to keep it safe, that's all."

"I'll take it for now."

"Why, you think she'll need it? Aliens aren't going to going to invade the shopping centre."

Luke flipped the watch open and glanced at the readings. "All the readings are normal—wait, there are increased readings in the third sector."

"Aliens?" Clyde shoved the wallet back into his pocket. "That's more like it. Aliens, I can handle!"

"It might not be aliens. "Luke shrugged. "It might just be some sort of disturbance."

"What sort of disturbances?"

"Well…" Luke blushed. "One time I thought there was a Tiaemon in Rani's house….turned out it just Gita's new waffle iron"

Clyde chuckled. "But we should still check it out." The boys ran out of the store, down the street back to where they'd left Rani and Sarah Jane.

"The readings aren't definite, but it seems to be centered over there." Luke pointed to the gingerbread village in the distance. "High traces of zingiberaceae, but there's an energy signature that skews the readings."

"Let's split up; we could cover more ground."

"I'm not sure. Maybe we should call Mum."

"What's the worst that could happen? Daniel Radcliffe causing a stampede? We have our mobiles if we get in a bind."

Luke nodded. "Okay, meet back her in a hour. If either of us doesn't show up, call and then try Mum."

* * *

><p>"Rani, pass me some Jelly Babies. My house needs some inhabitants."<p>

"What house? There aren't any walls standing," Rani frowned at her house. "The roof keeps collapsing; I think I need more skewers. Can I have some more?" she asked a costumed employee.

"They're in the back room, I'll be right back." The woman scuttled back.

"Well, I thought I'd decorate the yard before I started the house," Sarah Jane reached for a bag of frosting. "But since you insist…." She pressed the bag against a gingerbread wall, slowly leaving a wobbly line of white.

"See, it's not so hard."

"Maybe you're right after all," Sarah Jane grabbed another slice and began pressing it down. Just as the line was ending, the bag snapped open. Frosting exploded all over her hands, the gingerbread, and the table.

They stared at each other for a moment.

Rani scrapped frosting off the table with her knife. "That's for my roof."

"That was my frosting." Glancing across the empty room, Sarah Jane licked the tip of her spatula.

"You ate all yours," Rani teased. "And I would like to finish mine, thank you very much."

"That's still mine," Sarah Jane picked up her own knife. "And I would like it back."

Rani flicked a spoonful of topping across the table. "Defend yourself!"

* * *

><p>"This is Clyde Langer, secret agent, approaching a possible den of alien activity. An ordinary shopping excursion has turned into an adventure with the detection of strange readings near the gingerbread village."<p>

"Clyde, you left your mobile on. I can hear every word you say."

Clyde yanked it from his pocket. "Luke, aren't you supposed to be looking for aliens?"

"And you aren't? Listen, I'm setting it on vibrate now. Call you in half an hour." Clyde shut his mobile and followed a gaggle of tourists towards the gingerbread house.

"It's fifteen meters tall—how many feet is that?"

"About 52 or 60, but I'm an English major, not math."

"I've seen a house at the Mall of America, but not a whole village."

"Come on, I want to get some souvenirs for my mom."

The group was interrupted by a costumed employee. "Welcome, welcome to Tasan Selev, the gingerbread village. The free gingerbread houses are in Santa's workshop, where you can also purchase souvenirs, while the life-size cottage is open for tours."

"I see three buildings—what about the other one?"

"Ah, that is the kitchen. Employees only, I'm afraid. But if you'd like to come with me, I can show you the cottage."

Employees only? Clyde thought. Sounds like the first place for me to check, then. He hung at the back of the group, slipping away at the first corner. Looking both ways, he crept up to the kitchen, pausing a moment to admire the bizarre building.

The Cadbury walls boasted pear drop shutters and stained-glass windows made of Jols pastilles. "No wonder Hansel and Gretel were tempted." He ran a finger over the shutters. "I'd take one, if it hadn't been sitting out for weeks. Wait—aliens. Focus, Clyde."

He strolled along, trying to look like a random shopper admiring the decorations. Halfway around, he spied another costumed employee approaching. Ducking behind some carolers, he waited till the person passed and followed him.

This costume was better than the other one he'd seen. The fabric was naturally molded to the skin, tight enough to show muscles and body shape. A tight mask hid the person's face entirely, except for the dark of his eyes. A toddler darted behind his mum's legs at the sight.

At the far end of the building, the person squeezed behind a clump of decorative fire trees and disappeared into the building. Clyde followed, barely slipping in before the door clicked shut. The light coming through the pastille windows was supplemented by floodlights, but it still took Clyde's eyes a moment to adjust.

"Wow!" He gasped.

Four figures scuttled back and forth around a huge oven, at least three times larger than the school's. Still wearing the costumes, two pulled a three-meter cookie sheet out and left it to cool, while another greased the pan and the other checked the electric cords.

There's something strange about this, something missing. What is it, come on….Clyde gritted his teeth. What would you expect to find in a kitchen? An oven, chefs, cookies-batter! "Batter!" he repeated aloud. "Where's the batter for the gingerbread?" He squinted at the cooling tray. "And why is that cookie life-sized?"

* * *

><p>"You could go outside and pass for a snowman."<p>

"Are you saying I'm fat?"

"No, just…white and rather poofy."

"I'll show you white and poofy!" Sarah Jane scooped a cup of powdered sugar and dumped it into Rani's hair.

"If that's the way the game is played, then count me in!" Rani shook her head, creating a swirl of sugar.

_vring, vring._

"Of all the times for a call! Can I call a time-out?" Sarah Jane brushed her hands together and picked up the mobile. "Luke, I was in the middle of something important, what is it? So that's where it went….and he hasn't shown up? We're in the workshop….no, it's none of your business what we're doing. We'll be right over." Sarah Jane turned to Rani. "Clyde's missing."

Rani wiped her hands on her pants. "Stuck in line, probably."

Sarah Jane shook her head. "He had the scanner watch—they'd found some interesting readings and were going to check it out."

"What kind of readings?"

"Nothing familiar." She picked up her purse. "Sorry to leave a mess, but a friend needs my help."

"Well, thank you for stopping by and we hope you'll come back before we close up shop for the season on January 9th." A smiling gingerbread lady took a cloth and began wiping down the table.

Sarah Jane adjusted her grip on the mobile. "Yes, it's just past the cottage."

"Is there a sink here?" Rani asked.

"No, the plumbing is too heavy. There is a portable wash station over by the kitchen—" The woman glanced at Rani's powdered hair. "I think you'd need it."

"Sarah Jane, there's a sink over by the kitchen."

"After we met Luke." They strode out of the workshop and into the main square. "Mum!" Luke darted through the crowds. "Here's your scanner watch."

"What were the readings?" Sarah Jane flipped it open. "The disturbance is either botanical or extra-terrestrial in origin."

"High traces of zingiberaceae, but it wouldn't stabilize long enough for me to determine what that would be." Luke stared at Rani. "I didn't think it snowed—but your hair."

"Your mum started it. She had a little trouble with her frosting."

"Frosting? You tried to cook?"

"Not now, Luke. The readings originate from that building over there—the kitchens."

"Perfect, I can wash my hands on the way." Rani teased.

"Luke, do you have any idea where Clyde might have been investigating?"

"We were supposed to split up, look around the village, and meet back here. What exactly are these buildings anyway?"

"They're gingerbread houses. You know, Hansel and Gretel? Charlie and the Chocolate Factory—never mind, ask Clyde after we find him."

"Edible buildings. People generally make miniature ones for decorations. But I have a hunch there's more going on here than sweets." She looked up at the kitchen. "I would think it'd be busier than this."

"Should we split up?" Rani asked.

"No, that's how I lost Clyde."

"Agreed. We stick together. According to this, the door is behind the fir trees on the far side. No one's coming, but stay quiet."

They snuck inside, but the building was dark and quiet. "Nobody's here," Luke said, glancing around the room.

"Well, I'm not so sure about that. Oh, I wish I had K9 with me. "

"Look at this oven, it's huge. And these baking sheets, at least a meter long. That's odd, though. It only has one biscuit on it, not walls or roofs for houses." The face seemed to stare back at her, with marshmallow white eyes and Hershey's Kiss pupils; a yellow polo shirt, jeans, and trainers completed the outfit. "It looks like Clyde. Hey Clyde, someone thinks you're pretty sweet."

The marshmallow squeezed shut for a moment before flashing open.

Rani jumped back.

The licorice lips moved. "Hi, Rani."

"SARAH JANE!" Rani screamed. "Luke!"

They ran into the room. "Rani, what's wrong?"

"That cookie—it's Clyde!"

"What?" Luke blinked at the sight. "What happened to you, mate?"

"I was investigating, wanted a closer look at that thing—the oven. I must have been on a conveyor belt, because it started moving forward. There was a flash of heat, but inside me. And then Rani came in. Am I really a biscuit?"

"It looks that way," Sarah Jane checked her watch. "Careful, I'm not sure what might happen if you break."

"So that's what's happened to me. I'm gingerbread. Well, I always wanted to be ginger, but I should have been more specific."

Sarah Jane turned toward the sound. "Is someone else there?"

"Someone else? No, it's not someone else, it's me. I would have thought you'd figure that out by now. I make a habit of getting into trouble this time of the year, after all. Wasn't here last year, that's all; one year off and everyone forgets about the Sycorax and the Titanic and the Racnoss…"

"Doctor?"

"Ah, Luke's here too. Good to see you again, Luke. Just a minute; let me see if I can sit up. Ah, I still have muscles, that's good. Wait, of course I have muscles, otherwise I couldn't be talking to you." Five thick, dark fingers gripped the edge of another baking sheet. "That's it, nice and slow. Come on, Clyde, you can do it."

One twitch at a time, they rolled off the sheets and stood up. "So, what do we do next?" Clyde asked, carefully wiggling his fingers.

"I managed to do some snooping around. They aren't gingerbread at all—they're Zingibera from Taan Selev." The Doctor scratched his gumdrop nose. "The fun bit is, their planet's magnetic field means the whole planet is north! So they actually are from the North Pole. Anyway, this oven turns people into Zingibera-"

"Yeah, I figured that out." Clyde interrupted. "How do you reverse it?"

"Ah, yes…I haven't figured that out yet. But this building is their headquarters, so they should be back eventually. With my screwdriver—" The Doctor reached into his pocket. "Really? It works on metal too?" He produced a chocolate-dipped pretzel rod. "Sarah, can I borrow yours?"

"Here you go," she offered him her lipstick. "Do you have a plan?"

"What is about some people and plans? Plans are so overrated, honestly. I'll do what I always do."

"Which is?"

"Shout and run." The Doctor announced. "Now, to get someone's attention." He adjusted the oven, spinning one dial all the way to the left, one to the right, and somehow adjusting one to two opposite settings at once.

"So, that's his newest regeneration." Luke whispered to his mum. "He's definitely younger than the last one."

"You never quite get used to it. I remember the first time I saw him regenerate; I thought he was dying, so it was actually a relief." She glanced across the room. Clyde and the Doctor were comparing flexibility. "He's still the same person, though."

* * *

><p>"They should have shown up by now." The Doctor paced back and forth. "If there's one thing I can't stand, its unpunctual aliens."<p>

"So, these Zingibera, how do you fight them? Duck them in milk, break their hands off?"

"Not sure, exactly. Always heard they were a peaceful lot. Nothing to fight against on their home planet, and they aren't exactly built for combat. Hermits, really. Well, not exactly hermits, more like monks. Monks are the ones who live in those little buildings and never come out, aren't they? No, that's anchorites. Anyway, that's the idea."

The door swung open. "Is someone here?" The words were sandpaper rough, coming from a parched throat.

The Doctor held a finger to his lips, gesturing for the others to be quiet. "The person who interfered with your equipment? Yep, that's me. And I have a few questions for you. First, what are you doing on Earth? Second, how can I defeat you? And C…no, wait, third: why are you converting people? You'd better think carefully before you answer, because if I don't like what you say…." He let his voice trail off.

"You sound confident, not surprised or scared. You have encountered alien species before?"

"Could say that. Now, answers. What are Zingibera doing on Earth?"

"We were kidnapped."

"Kidnapped?"

"The Ashloni lured us onto their vessel. My brother Sedaos heard them say…" The Zingibera paused. "Good eating here, wouldn't you say?"

"They were going to eat you?" Rani exclaimed.

"I told you to stay quiet." The Doctor hissed.

"I don't think they're going to hurt us," she replied. "Hi. My name is Rani, what's yours?'

"Sikoios." The Zingibera stepped into the light. "Sedaos sabotaged the ship, but he died in the process. Only six of us survived."

"What about the oven? I was poking around inside it when ZAP! I was ginger. I've always wanted to be ginger, but I was referring to hair color."

"It is the Ashloni's. They hoped to program it and produce more of our kind. We are unsure how it works."

"Where did your ship land? Maybe we could help you repair it and send you home." Sarah Jane offered. "I have some supplies that might be useful."

"It crashed in the ocean, damaged beyond repair." Sikoios glanced at Sarah Jane. "How many of you are there?"

"Luke, Clyde, come out." Sarah Jane took a step closer. "Just five. No weapons. We don't want to hurt you."

"Thatta girl, Sarah. Trust me. I'm the Doctor, and I know what I'm doing." A nudge from Sarah prompted him to add "Most of the time."

"I will call the others. Meanwhile, I will help you investigate the technology." Sikoios offered.

"Thanks, but I think I have it sorted. Luke, why don't you come and give me a hand, since my own set isn't in full working order?"

"Sikoios, who are these people? Have you found others of our kind?"

"No, Thesios. The oven did this to them. One calls himself the Doctor, the other is Clyde. The Doctor is clever, he might be able to fix the equipment and then send us home."

"Did someone mention me?" The Doctor stuck his head out of the oven. "I have it figured out now. Basic cloning device, but the Zingibera DNA messed up the settings, made it into a transformation machine."

"Never mind that, can you undo it?" Clyde asked.

"Unfortunately, when a replicator device is modified into a morphing chamber, it interferes with the scanning devices…" The Doctor paused. "Imagine it's an oven, and you're a pan of bread batter. Once you're backed, you can't be melted again. Only forget that, because that's not it at all. But I did break it—it's not working anymore."

"Fat lot of help that is."

"Well, I have some things in the TARDIS that could help, but first I have to see about these Zingibera. Their planet doesn't have teleportation technology, so that's out."

Sikoios spoke up. "Your friend says you have a space machine. Can you give us a ride home? If it's not too inconvenient, of course."

"Of course!" The Doctor smacked his forehead. "Sometimes I just make things too complicated. All of you, with me. Luke, Rani, Clyde, Sarah, are you coming?"

"No way am I staying here, especially since you said there was something in there that could fix this—" Clyde gestured to his frosting shirt.

"I wouldn't miss this for anything!" Rani agreed.

"You were grounded by the Judoon—" Sarah Jane began.

"And what's my mum going to say if I come back like this?" Clyde demanded.

"You win. I'm coming too, though. Someone needs to keep you in line. What about the machine and the buildings, Doctor?"

"You can call UNIT or someone about the oven. The buildings can stay—nothing special about them. Why'd you make them anyway, Sikoios?"

"We thought the people here were familiar with aliens—our dwellings at home are built much the same way."

"Well, kind of. Never mind that now, you're going home now!" He led everyone out of the kitchen, down a few alleys, and into the TARDIS. "Yes, it's bigger on the inside. Skoios and company, stay here. I just have to make a quick detour first. The infirmary should be the first corridor on the right," The Doctor stumbled down the hall.

"I thought it was the third left, four corridors down." Sarah Jane raised an eyebrow.

"Yes, well, rooms move. At least, I think it should be there."

Rani and Luke ran ahead of them. "Found the door—woops, that's the swimming pool."

"Really, thought I'd jettisoned that when escaping the bubble-universe. Try the next one."

"Some sort of art museum—wait, is that the Mona Lisa?" Rani hollered. "I thought we'd already had enough trouble with her."

"Oh, no, that's a copy. There was this Count when I was traveling with Romana—never mind, just keep going." The Doctor opened another door. "Aha!" The room was a hodgepodge of technologies, bone needles next to 21st-century catsgut and a device the size of a card deck. Several structures of strange materials cluttered the floor. "Luke, Rani, down here."

Clyde shuffled inside, nearly knocked over by Rani and Luke. "So, what sort of high-tech gizmos do you have for dealing with gingerbread?"

"This," The Doctor tapped a low pool that looked like a child's ball pit. "It's a DNA restoration device. All it needs is a sample of your healthy DNA and zap—back to normal. I probably should go first. Don't even need a sample, me, my DNA's all over this ship." He charged forward, yelling "Geronimo!"

He disappeared into the pit.

Clyde stared at it. "That's his plan? I think he just wanted an excuse to act childish."

"I don't think he needs an excuse," Luke commented.

The Doctor's head popped up. "It works! Come on, Clyde. Just grab a DNA sample and pop in."

"Let's see, what do we have, not your mobile—your scanner watch, Mum!"

"That's sensitive equipment, I'm not sure it would work."

"Actually, that might just do the trick. Grab one of those white things that look like candy canes without the strips, run it along the outside of the watch, and drop it in the pit. Just let me get out first." The Doctor stepped out, adjusting his jacket. "Much better."

Sarah dropped the 'candy cane' into the pit. "Your turn now, Clyde."

"You're sure this will work?" Clyde shrugged his candy shoulders. "Oh well, can't get much worse!" He jumped in.

"My sonic!" The Doctor pulled out his screwdriver, waving it above his head. "It's fixed! I've missed it. No offense, Sarah, but lipstick just isn't the same."

"Speaking of it, can I have mine back please?"

"Of course, certainly." He tossed it across the room.

"Shouldn't Clyde have surfaced by now?" Rani asked.

"Oh, I'm sure he's just having a laugh."

"Clyde, you can come out now. Clyde? Clyde, come out or I'm coming in!"

"You might not want to do that. It's a very complicated, advanced piece of equipment I…er, acquired from a thirty-third century hospital. Pediatrics ward, actually."

"And what did you need it for?" Sarah Jane asked.

"There was this confusion with some jelly babies—"

"Jelly babies?" Clyde poked his head out of the ball pit. "What about them?"

"Clyde!" Rani ran forward and gave him a hug. "It's great to see you looking yourself again."

"Okay, I could get used to this," he grinned.

"Doctor, why don't you come over for supper?" Sarah Jane offered. "I owe you one for fixing that mess."

"You never owe me anything, Sarah." The Doctor answered. "But sure, after we drop the Zingibera off, I'll make a waspline to your house. That's the right term, right?"

She laughed.


End file.
